In virtual love, be interested in a real person. Problems of virtual communication

For a long time now there has been no question of “yes” or “no” to virtual dating and virtual communication. All this is as old as time. Even if everyone unanimously says “No!”, registrations on sites social networks and this definitely won’t lead to fewer acquaintances.

Therefore, today we will deal with the subtleties virtual communication to make it pleasant, painless and as effective as possible.

Today we will deal with communication with the opposite sex, because it is precisely this that, as a rule, evokes in us some special feelings, emotions, experiences, and disorders, let’s be honest...

So, if for some reason you are brought to:
social networking sites;

free dating sites;

paid dating sites (whether only men pay or both parties pay does not matter in in this case);

games (games, ladies? What other games? Stop it! How to get rid of computer addiction),

...and there you also happened to meet a certain person whom you like, and he seems to like you too, then you should come to us

To start - general tips, and then consider situations with and without geographic distance between you and your dream object

Almost five years of experience in the dating industry clearly makes it clear that virtual communication is far from a surrogate for “normal communication"and has a very definite right to be in modern society. Of course for serious dating it cannot be compared, and will never be able to replace real communication, but it is quite possible to be a qualitative forerunner of it. Virtual communication can be a very strong basis for subsequent real communication and possibly relationships. Therefore, you shouldn’t underestimate it at all; it’s just important not to go too far and know some of the nuances of “computer conversation”.

In addition, all feelings and emotions in virtual communication, no matter how strange it may sound, are perceived more acutely. It's the little things that matter greater value. Due to the inability to physically see a person, the consciousness searches for other sources of information, often finds them, but often exaggerates them or unjustifiably does not notice/does not evaluate them.

In general, some kind of “special” communication with someone online implies that you are a free girl and can afford it. Otherwise, you definitely have some problems in your relationship.

General tips for virtual communication

Remember: there is no friendship between a man and a woman.

Even if it happens to you. Sooner or later you will begin to open your heart to him, this is a natural process - na-ro-yes! And you yourself know that when a relationship becomes so close, warm feelings appear, which then... In a word, it is difficult to restrain yourself within the framework of friendship. And this, as a rule, is followed by a desire for the relationship to move forward, for him to appreciate, etc. and so on. In a word, everything is like in life, only sharper!

If you understand that there can be nothing more between you and “that guy” (due to real reasons incompatibility, and not just “he is here, and I am there”), but you still like to communicate, then, of course, you will not stop communicating, but you need to do hard work with yourself

First, admit why NOT.
Secondly, accept it. And this means that if someone appears with him, you will not drink buckets of valerian, but just be sad for a couple of days, and then you will still be sincerely happy for him, this is normal. Accepting means replaying this situation in your head, experiencing it.

Thirdly, if you decide to be “friends”, then “be friends”, avoid slanting in a conversation on “slippery topics”, avoid “flirty” little things, even if it brightens the conversation, avoid personal topics, do not provoke (for example, by sending him a photo of you with wonderful abs). In a word - keep your distance. If you decide to be friends, it won’t ruin your relationship, but if it does, it means you didn’t do a very good job and allowed yourself something extra.

Don't expect anything

Everything that needs to happen will definitely happen. If you have any expectations from communication with someone, then the person will definitely feel it, and this bothers many. The good thing about virtual communication is that you can just communicate.

It may sound stupid, but if you need to “be” together for at least some time, it will happen.

Don’t rush to give out phone numbers and agree to meet with everyone

If there is nothing to do today or tomorrow evening, then why not, actually? But if you periodically hang out on such sites
, be prepared that often people who do not want to bother
tell yourself at least a couple of phrases for preliminary acquaintance, they will immediately ask for the phone “just to chat” or immediately write “let’s meet.”

It’s up to you to decide, of course, but statistics convincingly show that in the overwhelming majority of these meetings and these telephone conversations don't end with anything. You can try, each time thinking that maybe this is His Majesty Chance? What if it’s HIM! But when there are so many of THEM that in a month you won’t remember the names with whom you just had coffee, then other thoughts will probably come to you...

And if every time you meet someone or talk on the phone, you expect something (that this meeting “will definitely be the last”, or “I will do everything to make me like him” or... well, you know , what thoughts usually come to you. Not too smart, I must say), then you will be visited by disappointments one after another. And this will not have a very pleasant effect on your mood.

By the way, why the distribution telephone numbers and quick meetings lead nowhere, it's very easy to explain. But this is not the topic of the article, so just take my word for it.

If you seriously want to find a man for a relationship, then spend a little time establishing contact in virtual communication

So, when you meet, you will no longer need to waste time on the awkward establishment of this very contact in order to overcome the embarrassment and embarrassment that is always there (!). And this is where even the most promising meetings very often break down. It’s only in the movies that they show how awkward they felt, he spilled coffee on her, she sneezed deliciously in his face, they laughed, got married and lived happily until the end of their days.

It is much more effective and easier to meet when you know for sure that at least this person will have something to talk about and you will find a common language.

Many adult girls reasonably note in this context that “I don’t have so much time to take a “pig in a poke” every time.” Maybe it was funny when I was a teenager, but now it’s just pointless.”
Read the profiles!

And preferably do it between the lines. Nowhere can a person’s character be seen so colorfully as there! This has been tested millions of times! In the virtual world, the best profile is, perhaps, the one from which nothing can be said, in a word, unremarkable, statistically average.

Awaken the psychologist within you Pay attention to what a man writes about himself, who he is looking for, what things he tells about himself.

If he writes “I want her to love me for who I am, and not for what I have,” then 90% that he simply has nothing but himself. If you want to love him for something else, there’s nothing more. It’s not a matter of self-interest, it’s just unpleasant when a man hasn’t been able to create anything in his life and is still trying to somehow justify it. By highlighting this as the main thing in the woman he is looking for, he clearly shows that he often met with women who demanded or wanted something from him, except for himself. Most likely justified. Do you need him like this?

Or - all the columns - car, telephone, occupation - are filled with cool words and brands, it is clear that the man wants everyone to know about it and immediately draw the appropriate conclusion about him. Do you write in your profile about your breast size and the number of cubes on your abs?

Look at the volume of what a man writes about himself, about her, look at his literacy, look at which columns he fills in and which ones he doesn’t, what photographs he has (not in terms of quality, of course, but who he is with, what he does, etc.). In a word, a man’s profile is his clothes.

Of course, there are exceptions. There are. But extremely rarely. This is just a one in a million situation, and it is usually filmed in the films already mentioned today...
Don't replace with virtual communication and real life dating

Even if you have a person with whom you really like to communicate, do not refuse to go to a club with your friends or to the skating rink, or anywhere at all. Don’t adjust your life to this communication, don’t run home to quickly go to the website and check your connections. communication.
Don't pay attention to the templates people use on websites

You don't think that "Hello, beautiful!" Was it written specifically to you? Or the answers to some standard questions were also written for the first time.

Yes, not everyone does this, but there are people who use some valid patterns, and there are people who don't like it. However, you should not condemn this or have any negative attitude,
it's comfortable.

To find someone st?
for communication in the virtual world, you need to sift through a bunch of people, but if everyone writes something different, then you can simply live on such sites. Of course, not everyone uses templates, but take it easy if you notice it. You will simply value more personalized communication more.
Agree to meetings

Try it. Not everything, of course, we have already talked about this earlier. But, as a rule, after “meeting everyone”, another model of behavior “meeting no one” and the search for the ideal person comes to replace it.
Don't wait for that proverbial "spark"!

Yes, this is important, yes, this is very nice! But this does not mean at all that without it the person automatically becomes completely uninteresting to you. An adult and mature person will be able to communicate and enjoy communication and when it doesn't spark. This can form the basis for strong, Serious relationships, built not on a spark and initial interest, but on a kinship of souls, outlooks on life and aspirations.
Rules communication with someone who is far away

The above were general tips suitable for 95% of cases communication to His Majesty Virtual. However, universal injustice sometimes gives you a person to communicate with whom you have no opportunity to meet, but you really like communicating with him, and after some time you begin to think that “if only we were close, then everything would definitely work out.” " Special rules apply here.
Don't expect anything. Have fun with communication.

Give the man the opportunity to do at least something real. Virtual communication does not just mean letters on a screen. Believe me: there are a lot of opportunities to show your real (!) attention to you: from taking a special photo just for you to delivering flowers. If a man wants, he will find an opportunity.

Don't plan to visit him. Action is a man's prerogative.
Don’t look for options for changing jobs, adjusting business trips, etc. And all in order to meet him and, perhaps, be with him.

Don’t “set fire to the relationship” - don’t write to him passionately and emotionally about your feelings, keep communication on a calm and even wave. Without a meeting, all this is practically nothing. The more you “set fire” to the relationship, the more you will be disappointed by every little thing in him when you meet / you will be blinded and accept wrong decision on emotions.

Don't make it out of yours communication relationships. And don't act like you're his girlfriend and he's your boyfriend. Leave it to the teenagers.

Don’t think that all these tips were written from your own experience. communication with some person. Five years of experience in the field of dating (originally taking place on the site) is the best proof that all these tips together and each individually were suffered by girls just like you and me. So many profiles were looked at, so many people were in contact, so many stories passed before my eyes... All this is true.

We girls are emotional creatures and tend to behave inappropriately if we suddenly like someone very much. Treat virtual dating as just additional opportunity arrange your personal life.

Treat it like a game, even with some irony. Practice shows that this attitude wins in 100% of cases.

Live your life or continue to live your life, do not adjust it to someone who has not proven that he is worthy of you, or simply to the Internet. The faster and more fully you understand the meaning of this phrase, the faster virtual dating will only bring you joy.

The concept of “virt” can be understood in different ways. In any case, it is directly related to the Internet and communication on it. There are also several other interpretations. If a person wants to know what virtual is, then he must pay attention to all the available meanings.

What is virtual?

By typing in search engine the word “virt”, a person will most likely receive information about a literary work. Virt, or, in the original language, « Vurt" is a book created by Jeff Noone.

He was born in the late fifties in Great Britain. After graduating from university and working in a bookstore for five years, he began writing books, the first of which was “Virt.” Many people call Jeff Noone's works science fiction, but the official genre is cyberpunk.

In this book, “virt” refers to trip dreams. Getting into them, a person, as it were, receives a drug, of which there are quite a few types. This world looks like an alternate Manchester, filled with shadow people, robot dogs and other such creatures.

The plot is based on the fact that Scribble lost his sister Desdemona in the virtual world. Instead, an alien with tentacles entered the world. The main character must wade into the depths of the virtual world and make a reverse exchange.

What is virtual communication?

It is not at all difficult to understand what virtual is in the field of communication if you pay attention to the fact that this word is an abbreviation for the concept virtual. Thus, the word “virt” can be understood.

Of course, if two people are just messaging each other e-mail or on a social network, discussing work or neutral issues, then this cannot be considered virtual. Very often this concept is used if conversations are sexual character . Simply put, sex on the Internet can be considered virtual, which is carried out through corresponding correspondence.

There are so-called virtual chats, in which a person randomly an interlocutor is selected who is ready to communicate this kind. As a rule, everything is done anonymously. This can happen on any other resources, for example, those providing video communication with random interlocutor, as well as on social networks.

Wirth in a broad sense

Sometimes the word “virt” is understood not as sexual descriptions of actions with a specific purpose, but as something more abstract. You can call it Virt flirting on the Internet or a kind of long-distance relationship.

In this understanding, the question becomes very difficult. People have very different attitudes towards such communication. Some believe that finding love on the Internet is impossible, while others are personally familiar with situations where two people have traveled a distance to be together.

Often the goal of virtual is not at all to find a life partner. People can simply have fun in this way, moving away from everyday problems. On the one hand, this is good, since there are no false hopes, on the other hand, this communication can be easily perceived by only one participant, while the other is already firmly convinced of warm feelings.

How to start virtual flirting?

Today there are quite a lot of resources where you can anonymously (or not) start a conversation with a person. If you want to achieve virtual flirting (for any purpose), then you should pay attention to several factors.

First, you need to attract the attention of your interlocutor and provoke him into dialogue. If this happens on a social network, then you can build on the information available in the profile and use it to formulate a topic for conversation. In chats this problem does not arise - just write “hello” to the person.

The second step is more difficult - you need to maintain the interlocutor’s interest and win him over. You shouldn’t use banal phrases like “how are you” and “what are you doing.” The best thing ask about interests and dreams. A couple of days later, if communication stops, you can start talking about yourself.

Finally, it is unlikely that it will be possible to do without common interests. Fortunately, you can find common ground, at least in cinema, if you don’t have similar hobbies or, for example, musical preferences.

It is difficult to predict what virtual flirting will lead to. When embarking on such communication for the purpose of simply having fun, a person cannot be sure that, in the end, he will not sit for hours in front of the monitor waiting for the treasured messages.

— Nowadays, when communication between people is increasingly transferred to the Internet, not only acquaintances, but also friendships (akin to the old pen pal friendship) and even the emergence of feelings occur more and more often there. This is what we call virtual love. In virtual relationships there is a main and clear advantage - it is speed and time saving. And quite a lot of minuses.

Let's start with why people go into this acquaintance, essentially blindly. Can we call the main reason for this behavior a lack of communication and acquaintances in reality? Or, do people entering into virtual relationships have their own special needs, weaknesses, which are the reason why they go for it?

— What pushes people into virtual relationships, into virtual love? The same as for ordinary love. But only love, it turns out, happens different types. True love is the need to “do good” to the object of your feelings. Having understood this, we can easily see in our relationships the presence of the opposite feeling - this is the need for us to feel good. That is, the need is not to give pleasure, but to receive it. This need is exacerbated in a person who really lacks something in life. This is not some kind of selfish, consciously taken consumer position: “I’ll pull from all the people” - no. This is what a person who feels bad does, simply due to his own internal emptiness - due to the depletion of a certain internal resource.

- Which resource exactly?

— This resource is the so-called self-acceptance. This is a feeling of self-sufficiency. When this resource is depleted, there is a feeling that I am “something wrong.” “When I go to bed on time, spend money only wisely, don’t be late for anything, don’t let anyone down - then, probably, I deserve to be rewarded, to be taken into account, etc. But now this is not the case yet. Nowadays, I can and do puncture myself at any moment. Therefore, today I am, as such, “something is not right” - well, speaking loudly, “I am bad.”

This feeling is not stimulating at all, very depressing. Few people sincerely understand this about themselves and say “I’m bad” - of course not. This is experienced in the form of a feeling of melancholy, uncertainty, loss, loneliness - what is generally called discomfort. And the more acute the discomfort, the more acute the need to please oneself—to make oneself comfortable. People, driven by this feeling, this unsatisfaction, embark on a love search. They may outwardly look like ladies' men, philanderers - if we're talking about about men - who easily pick up women, as if they don’t take them into account. In fact, they are looking for someone who will truly accept me for who I am today - they are looking for unconditional acceptance.

What is the difference virtual search and “virtual love” from what happens in real space? On the Internet, this is much easier to maintain, because virtual relationships are unloaded from a large number of important personal manifestations - any kind of relationship of obligation. There are no facial expressions, intonation...

— If a person considers himself “bad,” it’s probably easier for him on the Internet to present himself as “good” to his interlocutor?

- No, not quite like that. Everyone easily imagines themselves as good personal communication— they tell only good things about themselves, they are kind. But in order to really communicate at a table or on the street, or in an apartment, much more is required of me as a partner than on the Internet. I must look good, I must be on the rise, I must not look with a downcast, sad look. But in the virtual all this is not visible - and therefore there is less risk. If I write something impudent, at worst, they won’t answer me, or they will answer me with something, but they won’t shout at me, they won’t slap me in the face, they won’t make me the hero of a scandal.

- What exactly is such a person afraid of?

- He is afraid of being judged. He is afraid that someone will point out to him something blatantly wrong. Furthermore- he is afraid that they will correctly point it out to him.

— Aren’t virtual lovers afraid of the development of these relationships? After all, the natural development is their real meeting.

- Afraid. People are afraid of the transition from the virtual plane to the real one and can gush and fantasize as much as they want in correspondence, but they are in no hurry to actually meet in real life - due to the same fear.

This is pure drug, strictly speaking. This is a narcotic pleasure. I really want it not to dry out. And as soon as we actually meet in life, it turns out that she is waiting for me to be nice to her, for me to ask her about her circumstances, otherwise she will be offended that I only mean relationships below the belt. It's all tiring...

— What development of these relationships is acceptable, at least on a subconscious level, for such people?

— Continuation of such narcotic virtual pleasure. They wait all day long - they can’t wait until the evening when they can finally run to the computer and again send a note, receive a note, or send some pornographic SMS during an important meeting. They sit on this needle.

- And what are they waiting for - acceptance?

- No no no. There is no expectation of acceptance in this relationship. Because in this relationship he is not communicating with some real person, which he imagines, but with the imaginary.

- What does he get from this?

- Purely narcotic pleasure: “Well, she agrees to discuss with me how they have sex there.” These are such itchy-nice topics...

Neither of the corresponding parties has any intention of truly delving into the life and circumstances of the other person. Therefore, none of them receive real acceptance here. Neither does it suggest nor does it mean. Just like two drug addicts who shoot or snort together do not assume that they are gaining any self-acceptance in their relationship.

- Does it follow from this that they prefer to talk than to listen in this communication?

— You say that unhealthy virtual relationships are associated with intimate communication, and you interpret this as precisely intimate communication below the belt. But this is not always exactly the case. After all, these people, suffering from dislike, want not only and not even so much, let’s say, some kind of sexual arousal. Often they are looking for some kind of understanding and, as it seems to them, quite sincere communication.

— This difference, which you are right about, is more pronounced between men and women. Women in their virtual and therefore not very benign relationships, acquaintances, connections - they really have a greater interest in the everyday side of communication. They still treat their partner as a consumer. They feel the need to speak out, to be heard, to be supported, to be sympathized with, etc. And they are trying to implement all this on more everyday matter. They tell you where they went, what they like, what they watched, how they dressed, what colors they prefer. And men, of course, place more emphasis on the sexual component of relationships. This is not mathematics, it is not one hundred percent like this on one side and the other, but, undoubtedly, these are the trends.

— Can you give us any experience stories?

“I remember a patient, a forty-something woman, married, with children, who loves her husband very much. She speaks about him with great respect, with sincere delight: “This is my happiness,” “This is my only light in the window,” etc. At the same time, she began a correspondence on Odnoklassniki with a random person she did not know, whose photo she really liked. So she says: “Simply fabulously beautiful, some ancient biblical king, handsome, extraordinary.” And a correspondence began. And he was happy to abuse this readiness - both the correspondence and the relationship instantly slipped into sexual-erotic ones. She says: “At first it offended me that he seemed not to be interested in anything else, but was always talking about bed and bed.” And then it bothered her, and she also felt that she was simply obsessed with this, she really needed it. And she made it clear to him in no uncertain terms, to her virtual partner, that she really wanted to meet and wanted full sex, not virtual sex.

And he, being a typical hero of our discussions, was in no hurry with this. All this virtual entertainment and correspondence was enough for him. And in real life- well, she doesn’t know whether he didn’t need it, or he was afraid of responsibility, or, I don’t know, what else - well, in general, he didn’t cooperate. And she felt very bad, she turned to a psychologist. Here. And after several months of cooperation, our communication, she felt much better - in general, she somehow got rid of it.

— What, in general, is the mechanism of pleasure from these... conversations about below the belt? If we don’t talk about rough virtual sex, the mechanism of which is clear, then what attracts people to these conversations about what doesn’t exist?

- If it were only a matter of physiological pleasure, then any man would have enough of his one partner and that’s it. Where psychological pleasure lies—as strange as this may sound to some—is in overcoming, breaking through cultural prohibitions. The prohibition of casual sex with anyone is that very tasty forbidden fruit. Overcoming this taboo is the driving force behind pleasure. And then it becomes clear why a person is looking for this in the virtual: “They allowed me in, they agreed to discuss this with me, present it all together, I broke through this cultural ban, this barrier.”

- Well, once you’ve broken it, then, apparently, you no longer need to have this virtual sex with this person for a long time, right? You've already broken through, what else?

- This good question. No. We see in practice that this is not the case. That people who engage in virtual sex are much more likely to engage in it with the same - well, let's say, if we're talking about a man - with the same virtual correspondent for much longer than in real life - when, indeed, if a man... - he has achieved his goal, it is often enough for him, well, one or several times, and then she becomes not so attractive to him. Because, we repeat, this barrier has already been overcome. And in virtual communication this pleasure is exploited for much longer. Probably because it is not accompanied by a real physiological climax.

“It’s strange that in the event of loss of reciprocity, these people suffer as if it were really some kind of serious relationship.”

— The strength of suffering is not determined by the seriousness of the relationship. It happens that a person is truly involved in these virtual relationships, hooked on this needle. And if the second partner turned out to be not so gloomy, at first he dove a little into this matter, and then emerged and swam away and no longer maintains regular correspondence - here the first one becomes very sad, very painful. A person is struck by the “unrequited love syndrome” and begins to suffer severely.

This happens not only in virtual communication, but also in real life, when, as a rule, a girl, girl or woman falls madly in love with a man. Let's say, a student turns into a teacher, a fan turns into a singer. And he goes crazy and dreams about him, doesn’t sleep at night, all the walls are covered with photographs. In fact, these experiences develop precisely in the virtual plane, because there are no real relationships. She does not imagine this person, again, in the entire volume of his life, circumstances, experiences, relationships with household members. She doesn’t know what really irritates him, how he spends money, how he behaves in quarrels. This is some kind of phantom that she has formed in her head. And this phantom was, again, connected to her consumer hopes that she would feel good with him.

— So the analogy between such relationships and virtual ones is that in both cases there is some kind of communication with an image, and not with a real person?

- Yes, that’s absolutely right, these feelings are attached to some kind of abstraction, and not to the real to a specific person. In this sense, strange as it may sound, virtual relationships, virtual love can be called love at first sight. When people fall in love with each other at first sight - like Pushkin's Tatyana Larina, or a holiday romance - they lay on the beach for two weeks in Turkey, and that's it, they fell madly in love. What is the parallel with virtual relationships? The fact is that, again, we fell in love with a person about whom we really know absolutely nothing. This is some kind of symbol of the fact that I will finally be truly happy with him (with her). And, by the way, Pushkin’s Tatyana in her famous letter to Onegin very accurately describes:

Imagine, I'm here alone,

Nobody understands me,

My mind is exhausted

And I must die in silence.

“Will you save me?” - thus she says. This is not written there further, but it is assumed. “You see how bad I feel alone. Because no one here understands me. I'm well-read, I'm sophisticated, I'm highly organized. And here they all live with simple, red-cheeked village joys. And you are a guy from the capital, you read everything, you know everyone, you judge everything so condescendingly. This is who will finally appreciate and understand me.”

Therefore, love at first sight is always pure example such a consumer-drug “relapse”. Not the need to do well for our partner in our relationship, but the hope of receiving.

— So, “love at first sight” is not love yet? And this is not a sign that people are suitable for each other?

— We must first agree on terminology about love. This can be done on the basis of what each of us considers love towards ourselves. Many people on Earth agree on this idea. I feel this desire to be cared for, to be treated well, to be looked into, not to be overly burdened, to be perceived not only within the biological contour of my body, but with the whole complex of my relationships, with my difficult parents, with my previous love affairs, my problematic relationships with people, with friends, with my maybe job, in which I feel bad. I want to be completely taken over, so to speak. And this is correct; terminological accuracy can be recorded in this place. We will call this relationship of one person to another, with the biggest “plus” sign, love.

Then this is what immediately becomes clear. In what life circumstances is it especially noticeable to any person that he is treated with a “plus” sign? Is it then, when he is on the rise, in favor, in strength, in good shape, smiling at everyone, supporting everyone, making sure everyone has a drink, and telling jokes? In this situation, it is very easy to treat him with a “plus” sign; this is not indicative. But it is significant when he is in exactly the opposite state - depressed, out of sorts, scared, irritated, not getting enough sleep, hungry, being rude to someone, not noticing someone. Now, if in these circumstances he is treated well, then yes, this is definitely it.

This means that love is when not just one person treats the other as well as possible, with a “plus” sign, but when this relationship withstands the test of negativity, conflict situations, clashes of interests. And due to what we just discussed, it turns out that the right choice of a person is not the one whose virtues he admired, but the one whose shortcomings touched him.

In order for a real love relationship to develop between two people, it is necessary that at least one in this couple has, in principle, such life position: look not who is bad, who is good, and who is bad, and who is good. And, seeing that someone is endlessly making fun of everyone, someone is ridiculing everyone, someone is behaving irresponsibly, in these manifestations you can feel, not even understand with your mind, but feel - his self-doubt, his suffering, his weakness, which he didn't choose for himself. This is his problem, not his fault. It is on this internal basis that only real relationships can develop. I repeat, if at least one in a couple is generally oriented in life in this way, he sits in some company and involuntarily, with his skin, simply perceives that someone is stuffy, someone is noisy, someone is hungry, for someone this the topic is traumatic, and this is how he always tries to optimize the situation for his neighbors - such a person is much more likely to become the bearer of that real feeling we are talking about.

But this does not mean that he or she can therefore fall in love with anyone or marry anyone. Further, indeed, some coincidence is needed, which, apparently, consists of this. I have now listed the different manifestations of this internal distortion of ours - some are irritable, some are apathetic, some are narcotically obsessed with money, some are obsessed with power, some are obsessed with love pleasures. Since we are all, in one way or another, at least somewhat unloved, this has led to our own individual deformations for each of us. Therefore, apparently, the man who is suitable for a woman is the one in relation to whom she feels the opportunity to treat him, due to her characteristics, her psychophysical constitution.

- If such a relationship of “virtual love”, virtual flirting begins, a rather strange thing happens. Trust without any basis for such trust. Why, when meeting on the street, will a person not be frank with the first person he meets, but on the Internet he opens up and trusts - although he does not even see not only the true face of the interlocutor, but even in his gender and age he can be greatly deceived? Well, there is another question here - is there, in fact, this trust? Maybe, based on what you said before, this is just throwing some unexpressed thoughts and feelings into the void? There was a case on our anti-suicide website when a girl fell in love with a guy via the Internet - their relationship lasted more than a month, then he left her, she suffered greatly, and even thought about committing suicide. Then it turned out that this was not even a guy, but old man. In short, is there trust, and if so, where does it come from?

- You know, there are still very, very different examples and stories of such virtual love and virtual relationships. In most of them, of course, there is no trust. To understand this, we must again formulate what “trust” actually means. Trust is when I am not afraid to tell you some very unsightly things about myself - this is trust. And none of the virtual professionals do this with much passion. What's going on there? This is a conversation not about some negative topics of mine, but about intimate topics - these are completely different things. This is not trust, but, again, a claim to such sexual intimacy. And why does it happen there and not in real life? because in real life you can get punched in the face for this. And on the Internet it is much more secure.

- Is it possible to fall in love without opening up?

- Of course you can.

— On the Internet we deal not with real people, but with the images they draw for us. Is it possible to call an attitude towards an image, and not a person, love or at least falling in love?

- If we call love a relationship with a “plus” sign towards this particular person with all his individual qualities, then the answer follows from this reasoning by itself. There can be no love for an image, for a symbol—you cannot love a photograph.

True love can arise when one partner begins to imagine the other in all his reality. The difference is that in one case I somehow relate to a real person - seeing him, observing him, in different situations: how he sleeps, how he sneezes, how he yawns, how he looks from the outside, how he looks when he screams, when he laughs. And a symbol is when I don’t know anything about a person, and it doesn’t matter to me at all, and I don’t try to find out.

— So the difference is in the amount of information?

- No, the difference is in the internal attitude. In internal need - or lack thereof. In the need to imagine this reality - or the absence of this need.

— What advice would you give to people who are in such relationships or on the verge of entering into them?

— I think that people who are satisfied with their virtual relationships may even read what we are about to record, but tangentially. It won't really affect them. This may hurt those people who feel that they have become ill in virtual relationships. Either these relationships became unrequited, or real life began to suffer from them. These people can be told this thing: we all start out in virtual relationships, or in real drug-consumer relationships like this, because our own lives are insufficiently full. From insufficient self-realization, from the fact that we do not have comfortable enough relationships with real close people.

In fact, you are not at all to blame for this trouble - it doesn’t say anything bad about you. It speaks volumes about how life has treated you. And you should try to improve these relationships not in order not to be guilty in someone’s eyes - you should not be guilty in anyone’s eyes - you should try to improve them only in your own - literally, selfish, but correctly understood interests - for your own promising life well-being.

And so if you want to get out of this virtual addiction, then the last thing you need to think about is what to do with it technically, and ask your friend to turn off the computer after eleven in the evening. But first of all, you need to look at what your own life is like, how daylight hours go, what you do and why you do it. Is it because you have no other education and have already established a track, or because this is your business, the right thing for you, or at least you are looking for your right business for you. You need to look at what your relationships are like with your neighbors, specifically with your household.

As a rule, people who are so immersed in virtual spaces - whether in love relationships, or just in Odnoklassniki or on Facebook - these people can easily notice that real household members irritate them a little. And here lies our very great potential, which can be used greatly for our own benefit. How exactly? We must try our best to focus on these household members. And when he comes to you at the wrong time, don’t just snap back as usual, “Don’t you see, I’m busy?”, but say: “Sorry, for God’s sake, I just can’t do it right now.” Even this small effort on oneself is very tonic. And if this is not some one-time manifestation, but a gradually growing system of our efforts on ourselves, then this drug addiction to virtual relationships decreases.

— Teenagers are especially prone to virtual love. And teenagers’ households are their parents, and it is with them that relationships are most often very difficult. And the advice to establish relationships with them is not so easy to implement.

- If we talk about teenagers, or young people, or even adults who, nevertheless, live with their parents and suffer from relationships with them - and, indeed, these are the majority - then the advice can be more specific. This does not make it much easier, but perhaps it becomes more understandable.

What does it mean to focus on these neighbors of yours, that is, on your parents? This means that you need to understand that all these parental manifestations from which young people suffer so much, and, unfortunately, have reason to suffer, are not connected with the fact that the parents are bad or the children are bad, but with the fact that the parents feel bad.

All this parental edification, narrow-mindedness, formality, superficiality are not manifestations of a real attitude towards their children, but only a manifestation of their parental discomfort. And if some teenager or young man really gets this into his head, then he will brighten up greatly, he will become more self-confident, a more successful person, in the end.

But what does it mean to really take this into account in relation to parents? This means behaving towards them the same way we behave towards a person who is obviously feeling bad, who has it written all over his face. And how do we behave towards such a person who feels bad - well, small child or a friend? We look after him, support him, sympathize, help him, etc., etc. This whole set of measures must be projected onto parents, brought down on parents. In psychology, this is called “adopting a parent”: begin to delve into him not as your parent, but as some simple individual person, imagine him - what he is afraid of, what he wants, why he talks like that; ask him how his day went, and where he was, who called him, what he watched on TV; offer him some tea before he could ask...

So what happens then? After a long time of such efforts on the part of the child, in the end, it becomes unnatural for the parent to communicate with this child as before, in such a superficially edifying manner. He begins to take him into account a little. But this result is secondary - both in time and in importance. And a much more important and immediate effect will be this. If our reader spends many, many weeks investing in the parent like this and trying to be useful, kind, etc. etc. - this reader will begin to perceive his parent - not even with his mind, but with his feelings - as truly an object of his care, as some kind of unloved child. And then all this parental negativity ceases to be taken personally by the son or daughter. It unloads even retrospectively; the teenager “lightens up” a lot.

This therapy remains relevant for a person at any age, because a person at any age remains the child of his parent, all his life.

— How to behave in these virtual relationships themselves?

— Try to delve into the virtual partner as much as possible. Try to communicate with him about him, not about your own. Try to ask him more than to speak out. Not to remain in the shadows. And to give him the opportunity to speak out, so that he feels real interest in him, and not in ours for your own pleasure from these relationships.

Then the relationship will begin to gradually transform from a consumer plan to a real one, to a meaningful one, they will become much more comfortable and less neurotic. Or you will feel that you don’t need it - to delve into it or, somehow, to be sympathetic - it’s boring for you, too much - then this relationship will fall apart with minimal trauma for both.

- That is, let’s say you try to invest in him, but he doesn’t want to invest in real life. This means that he seems to live in his neurosis and does not want to get out of it.

- Here we need to talk not about him, but about ourselves. If you begin to invest in it and become interested in it, then the situation becomes more and more benign for you. And how he will react to this is, in a sense, not very important to me.

- Let’s say you invest in him, your attitude towards him improves, and you, so to speak, repeatedly invite him to meet for real, but he always refuses. Can you conclude that something is wrong with him and this relationship is not worth continuing?

— The conclusion from the situation you described is that this person is much more dysfunctional, psychologically fragile than we imagined at the start, and that he needs to make sure that they are really interested in him, that they are really investing in him - not a day, not two weeks, or maybe two years. And then you see whether you have enough for such a period or not, whether you need it or not. If a relationship ends, then it is very important with what internal understanding, and on what internal basis.

In one case, one breaks up with the other with resentment, with disappointment: “He never gave me what I needed.” It won't be healthy. A person is designed in such a way that any subsequent relationship begins from the same point where the previous one stopped. And if you parted with a person with resentment, with unsatisfied expectations, then the following relationship will begin with this same expectation: “But he will meet me halfway, give me what I need?” This will already be stressful for that partner at the start. The prognosis will not be good.

In another case, parting occurs with the feeling that it was you, alas, who could not give the person what he needed. You for a long time you invest, are interested, and he responds sluggishly, every other time, does not agree to meet, etc., and you feel that that’s it, I can’t do it anymore - it’s probably right then to stop your efforts, realizing that you are not enough for this person.

And then the next relationship will begin, again, with this feeling: “Am I enough for this person or not?”

Ekaterina Leonova, 22 years old)
Dependent people are prone to virtual love ( Psychologist Mikhail Kamelev)
Virtual love needs further development to become love ( Psychologist Igor Lyubitov)
Secondary benefits of virtual love ( Family psychologist Irina Rakhimova)

Today it is not uncommon. A large number of people prefer to communicate with each other virtually, sometimes replacing normal human contacts. The habit of interacting with each other virtually appeared among people as a result of the development of Internet technologies. With the advent of the Internet, it has become easier to meet the person you like: to do this, it is no longer necessary to communicate verbally with him, it is enough to create a page on social networks. Some people are so carried away by the process of online communication that they forget about real life and even their own individual needs.

Features of virtual communication

Like any other thing, virtual communication has a number of distinctive features. These features can go unnoticed for a long time until a person decides to pay attention to them.

Written form

Virtual communication is mainly carried out using writing. The Internet is a space where everyone interacts with each other using written words. Gradually, this becomes a habit and the person stops noticing that he communicates much less in the usual way. As a result, a certain detachment and isolation is formed, which can gradually turn into self-doubt, passivity and gloom. The written form of virtual interaction implies that people spend a lot of time on a computer, tablet or mobile phone in his hands, feverishly typing graphic symbols.

No space restrictions

Another feature of virtual communication is the absence of any framework in external space. Time does not exist here, there is only virtual reality. You can easily interact with a person who is in another city, country, even on the other side of the world. What’s great about virtual interaction is that there are no restrictions. You can forget that you are separated by thousands of kilometers and chat about everything in the world. There is an opportunity to share the most intimate. The process of virtual communication sometimes seems endless from the outside. It seems that a person is immersed in the virtual world and completely forgets about his daily responsibilities. Virtual communication presupposes attachment to the Internet and strong emotional involvement.

Passion for the process

Sometimes people get so caught up in virtual reality that they stop noticing the real passage of time. Some people can spend virtual communication around the clock, barely noticing that morning has come or day has turned to night. Virtual communication is very captivating and has a powerful effect on nervous system. Often, as a result of such “get-togethers” at the computer, a person becomes irritable, nervous, unbalanced, suffers from anxiety and low mood. All this takes place for the reason that virtual communication is just an illusion that people take at face value. Sometimes it seems that no one has ever understood you as well as your virtual interlocutor. This feeling appears because people do not need to overcome embarrassment and embarrassment. On the Internet, everyone can be themselves, but, surprisingly, without showing their real face.

Young people are especially fond of virtual communication via the Internet. Many people want to find a soul mate in this way, talk about painful issues, and express their thoughts and dreams in letters to an imaginary friend. Some people get so carried away that they begin to engage in wishful thinking. Of course, when the illusions are dispelled, it will be very painful to realize the mistake. On the Internet, people communicate not with real people, but with imaginary images that they invent for themselves. Virtual life is fundamentally different from real life.

Pros and cons of virtual communication

Virtual communication is characterized by many manifestations. As a rule, they are the same for all people who actively correspond on the Internet. Virtual interaction involves both positive and negative sides. Let's look at the pros and cons of virtual interaction. Can virtual communication really be useful? Is it worth making virtual friends?

Helping a shy person

There is a category of people who find it very difficult to establish contact with the person they like. Excessive timidity does not make it possible to openly get acquainted and show sympathy. Here virtual communication will become useful: it will help you relax, hide your own complexes and fears. During virtual communication, you can stop thinking about your shortcomings. Shyness will no longer be a serious obstacle to making new acquaintances and maintaining a conversation that seems exciting and interesting. A timid and shy person could hardly find friends in reality as freely. Using the exit to virtual space he will not have any particular difficulties.

Habit Formation

When a person spends years on forums and social networks, he gradually begins to forget what it means to talk with an opponent, looking him straight in the eyes. The habit of being in the virtual world is being formed. Communicating virtually is becoming the norm, which is very difficult to somehow correct. A person loses communication skills and the ability to understand others. Virtual communication in some cases becomes a salvation from, because otherwise it is impossible to interact with people.

Possibility to interrupt communication

In ordinary life, if we don’t like something about our interlocutor, we don’t always have the opportunity to brush him off. For example, while at work, a subordinate does not have the right to ignore the orders of his boss or snap back. Otherwise, the consequences for him will be very sad. Many people, simply out of politeness, do not dare to tell their interlocutor that they are uninteresting and boring. Virtual interaction is different in that it presupposes complete freedom of choice. A person initially receives alternative moves to make a decision. If communication for some reason seems unpleasant and burdensome to you, then you can easily stop it. You only need to press a couple of buttons so that the unpleasant person stops bothering you. You also have the opportunity to place the selected person on the so-called “ignore list”.

On the Internet there are no obligations to each other: everyone has the right to do as they see fit. Virtual space seems vast. The problem is that over time, people get used to evaluating their potential interlocutors from the point of view of “like or dislike” and do not make any effort to build real personal interaction. They simply stop understanding what it is and are completely immersed in virtual communities.

Opportunity to find like-minded people

Virtual communication helps you find people with whom it will be really interesting to interact. If in Everyday life You are unlikely to have the opportunity to spend time closely with like-minded people, but the virtual space allows you to do this. Virtual interlocutors will help you unlock your inner potential. Virtual friends are not as difficult to find as real ones, so everyone can do it.

Thus, virtual communication is characterized by a number of distinctive features. It attracts people and looks incredibly attractive to many. Virtual communication has its pros and cons. The positive aspects are the opportunity to fully express oneself, the negative ones are the formation of a closed, inactive lifestyle.

A new term is virtual communication, the peculiarity of which is that people can contact their interlocutors from anywhere in the world. The development of the Internet and its availability in every home has allowed people to solve many problems, which is a plus. However, the downside is that people get so involved in their virtual communication that they forget about real contacts.

Virtual communication is often carried out in writing, when people exchange messages on social networks or on dating sites. Also, virtual communication can be understood as conversations over a microphone or Skype. This method Contact allows a person to contact the desired interlocutor anywhere and at any time. However, virtual communication often replaces real communication. A person gets used to all the advantages of communicating through a monitor screen, which replaces his natural need for real contact.

Online magazine site doesn't make a problem out of what people use computer technologies. However, consideration this issue should not be left without the participation of the reader, who must decide for himself how useful this technological opportunity is for him.

What is virtual communication?

The concept of virtual communication should be considered. What it is? It is a method of communication that is carried out through a computer by providing telecommunication links to users. Virtual communication takes place far from the interlocutor. People don't see each other real world, but are presented in the form of images, symbols, signs and other tools.

Virtual communication is the exchange of messages sent by people over the Internet. Popular this type communication is on social networks, forums, dating sites, partnerships, etc. It is quite difficult to define virtual communication as leaving a comment or review on some resource. However, already the appearance of a dialogue between two or more users becomes.

Virtual communication is a person’s ability to express his thoughts in writing. Also, the communication environment determines the culture of dialogue. They create their own slang, which is presented in the form of abbreviations that are understandable to users, or emoticons that convey a particular emotion.

The availability of the Internet has allowed many people to solve their problems, especially those related to the inability to make acquaintance or contact a person who is located thousands of kilometers from the country. Now from different countries people can connect and maintain contacts, which is very convenient.

At the same time, various kinds of addictions arise, for example, addiction to social networks or virtual communication. A person can become so accustomed to communicating with others through emoticons and some messages that they lose the skill of real communication.

Convenient communication, when a person does not need to put himself in order, take care of the culture of his language, or bother traveling to the meeting place, leads to the fact that a person chooses virtual contacts instead of real ones. This leads to degradation, because in addition to the loss of social skills, a person also changes in his speech culture.

Features of virtual communication

Computer technology has firmly entered the life of every person. Now, not only at work, but also at home, a person can surf the Internet. Virtual communication differs significantly in its features from real communication. Here are the following:

• The ability to contact a person located anywhere in the world. In real communication, it is impossible to communicate with an interlocutor from another country. The Internet has eliminated this boundary.
• A familiar environment for interlocutors. A person does not leave home, does not find himself in an uncomfortable environment. He chooses the place where he is comfortable and uses those methods of transmitting information that are familiar to him.
• Written communication of information. Typically, virtual communication consists of exchanging written messages. This is done through letters, chats, messages, etc. In this case, a person is able to improve his skills.
• Exchange of any information. As they say, everything is permissible on the Internet, especially if the participants in the conversation cannot see each other and do not even know what their interlocutors look like. Here you can say everything, as well as receive any information about another person.
• Improving writing skills. This aspect becomes important if the interlocutors are studying foreign languages. During virtual communication, a person actively hones his writing skills. Here we are not always talking about improving the rules of grammar, spelling, etc. A person simply develops his own individual style of written communication. Moreover, a person learns to quickly press the keys to write a message.

Problems of virtual communication

Despite the positive opportunities that the Internet provides, virtual communication has many problems that distort normal life its users.

1. Large flow of information. Real communication is depreciated, which requires more effort and time than a person’s ability to go online and quickly get everything necessary information in fairly large quantities.
2. "Virtual" speech. On the Internet, people use a slightly different structure of speech than in the real world. Some words have their own abbreviations. Emotions are expressed through emoticons. The main point of the entire message stands out in bold or dotted line. A person loses the skills of live communication.
3. Communicating with several people at once, which devalues ​​real meetings when communication takes place face-to-face. A person shows himself incompletely. His personality is expressed situationally. We can say that a person loses his self-identification, begins to imagine himself as someone or play certain roles.
4. Absence real representation about a human. In the real world, people gain information about others not only through their words, but also through intonation, voice, construction of phrases, emphasis, etc. Moreover, facial expressions, gestures, body posture, even a person’s appearance take part here. Information is collected comprehensively on all sensory channels, which makes it possible to compile more full image about the interlocutor. When communicating virtually, the channels are very limited, which forces people to invent images of those with whom they communicate. In fact, a person does not know with whom he is communicating, even if he has spent many months corresponding.

The result of people creating images of those with whom they communicate, rather than actually getting to know them, is disappointment and the destruction of expectations. The longer interlocutors communicate virtually, the more their images do not coincide with real personalities. That’s why you can spend a month getting to know a person through messages and then in one meeting make a 100% decision not to communicate or see him again.

Advantages of virtual communication

People are increasingly resorting to virtual communication.

It is impossible to note here the advantages that make these contacts attractive:

• You can be anyone. As long as the interlocutor does not see the person, he can behave as he wants. You can imagine yourself as a successful person, or you can just try yourself in new role. Everything will be accepted.
• You can say whatever you want. This is where your manners and communication styles often become unimportant. Everything is accepted. Moreover, such communication can last as long as you need it.
• Helps shy, modest, lonely people, as well as people with physical disabilities. Often people who do not have the opportunity to communicate live get used to virtual communication. They cannot communicate calmly in society. They experience various fears and complexes. People fence themselves off from them due to the presence of various physical disabilities in appearance. A person can realize his potential through a monitor when no one sees him, hears him, cannot laugh at him, humiliate him, etc.
• You can find like-minded people. There are many communities online where people unite based on interests.
• You can interrupt communication at any time, especially if you don’t like the interlocutor. Moreover, there is no need to make excuses or apologize to your interlocutor. You can simply disappear, disappear without explanation.

Disadvantages of virtual communication

Virtual communication has many disadvantages, despite the opportunities it offers. They are:

1. Degradation of communication skills. A person gets used to thinking and communicating in a stereotyped, short way. This is inconsistent with real communication.
2. Changing interests. There is a lot of interesting things on the Internet. Soon it becomes the only way to relax and engage yourself in something.
3. Destruction of relationships in real life. The more people get used to sitting in front of a computer, the more they lose real contacts with friends, relatives, spouses. People stop communicating with each other live, which destroys their unions.
4. Emotional and mental degradation. Many feelings and emotions cannot be experienced during virtual communication. A person becomes boring due to the paucity of his emotional life, which affects the change in character.
5. Inventing images. People are not able to get to know each other well through correspondence. They often create images to which they attribute non-existent qualities and traits. If suddenly such people meet in real life, they may note that their images and real people- these are completely different concepts.
6. Getting used to lies and irresponsibility. On the Internet you can be anyone, anonymously write various nasty things, say the best and most embellished things about yourself. No one will be punished for this. The interlocutors don’t even know real situation business

The most important disadvantage is the appearance of addiction, when a person becomes so accustomed to virtual communication that he can no longer refuse it.

Virtual communication with a girl

Dating is popular in virtual communication. The guy is wondering how to communicate with a girl to make her like him.

Here are some tips that will come in handy:

• Be playful, humorous and optimistic. You can embellish your image a little, making it more successful than it actually is.
• Do not bombard the girl with messages so that she does not think that she has already conquered you.
• Show interest in. The girl should feel that you are interested in communicating with her.
• Visit her page.
• Initiate communication on any topic.
• Keep in touch.
• Say goodbye to her quickly but civilly so that she feels your respect for her.

Bottom line

No virtual communication modern man won't live anymore. There will be nothing wrong here if it is reasonable and purposeful, and not an attempt to kill time and decorate your leisure time. The result of virtual communication can be either establishing contacts and solving life problems, or developing an addiction that will be impossible to get rid of. It all depends on the person and his conscious approach to business.